Compromised - Locked to capfanboy

[kick_ass_curls]

'Barton's been compromised.'

Coulson's simple statement, and to the outside observer it would have been as casual of a comment as saying they were serving tomato soup for lunch today, was still echoing in Natasha's mind hours later. 

She knew better than to think it was so unemotional of a comment. The almost undetectable edge in Couslon's voice, the hesitation, the worry. The Black Widow picked up all of that, in the voice of the one man she was sure was the most unflappable person in all of SHIELD save Fury. Phil Coulson was worried. Phil Coulson was not sure what was going to happen, or how they should handle a situation. That scared the hell out of her.

She put on the usual hard expression that would keep anyone from bothering her as she made her way down the hall. Yes, she should have been watching Banner and preventing Stark from being...Stark. She should have been making sure poor defrosted Steve wasn't overwhelmed. She should have been doing a lot of things considering there was a crazy god of mischief using her best friend to try and bring the world to it's knees.

But she could spare ten or twenty minutes to go knock a few punching bags around. Natasha wasn't focusing, and that would help no one when it came time to do or die. Especially herself. Hopefully no one with any authority would find her and try and stop her, because she wasn't in much of a mood for 'Yes, sir. No, sir. Thank you, sir." She simply wanted to dispense with the distracting thoughts in her head and get on with her life. 

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[kick-ass-curls.livejournal.com]

He never struck her as a man that would need to be grounded. Grounded and calm was his default state but now... Something is bothering him, more than the situation at hand. Natasha can read even the hardest to crack person like an open book but Phil...it's like he's written in a language she could never hope to understand. Just when she thought she'd figured him out, too.

If Natasha knew what he and Fury were planning, she'd drop his hand and proceed to knock the shit out of him without hesitation. She's played mindgames in the past. Hell, she still does it now but to enemies, not friends. Not people who trust you. If she finds out, she may have a very hard time forgiving him.

"Kind of makes me feel bad for telling the Director Stark wasn't cut out for this." Natasha doesn't have that faith, but her and Phil aren't cut from the same cloth. She's learned that if you assume the worst of people, and of situations, you gain the advantage that lets you live another day. This time that philosophy won't work and it's terrifying.

Then Phil does something unexpected. He brings up that. The moment everything changed. He tells her he's the one who ordered the Black Widow be put down, he's the one who sent Barton. She knew all this of course but the motivations were never reveled until now.

Natasha listens, the hand she has around his tightening so hard her hand goes numb. Finally she tears it away from him, standing in a huff. "Stop it, Coulson." She manages to choke out. Phil might be reminiscing, reminding himself of how much he trusts Clint but Natasha's not taking it like that. "Stop talking about Barton like he's....he's..." already gone.

[capfanboy.livejournal.com]

No one will know what they are planning. At least not until it's too late. Phil knows that it's taking a risk. And he knows how certain people would react if they found out about it. For someone who is so used to keeping secrets, this was one he was dreading. And he's hoping it doesn't have to come to that.

"We'll get him back, Tasha. I'm not going to give up on him. We'll find a way to get him back."

Leave no man behind.

Phil runs a hand through his hair and his back straightens. It's almost as if everything is falling back into place. The mask settling in again. For the moment.

"He was right about you, Tasha. And I trust you the as much as I trust him. Hell is going to break loose and I'm going to need someone I trust."

[kick-ass-curls.livejournal.com]

Of course he's hoping it won't. No one wants to die. Well, OK there have been times in her life Natasha was damn close but this isn't the same. If what could happen happens, Phil is planning on making the ultimate sacrifice. That makes him a bigger hero than even Captain America. She'll realize that. Perhaps too late because much like Tony she's not the one to make the sacrifice play, but Natasha isn't blind or stupid. Stubborn and thinks she knows what's best, sure, but not blind or stupid. Usually.

Then, there he is again. Cool, confident Agent Coulson. It should be a comfort, him being 'himself' again, but somehow it's not. Tasha's seen a weakness in him now she won't be able to forget. She knows Phil's human, of course, but something about what just happened lets her see he's...really real.

She can't address the compliment. The fact he trusts her. She trust him, too. There's one other man on the planet she trusts as much as him, and that man is lost. Truly lost, perhaps forever, in spite of Phil's confidence. Natasha's never been much of an optimist.

When he says needs someone he can trust, that's too much for her to deal with. She's...no that's not what he means. Phil's simply stating his alliances. Of course he is. Why would he mean anything else, especially now? She's not special. she's just...an agent. Just like him.

Not at all like him. He's so much better than she could ever hope to be.

Natasha doesn't say a word. Instead she reaches her hand out and tries to fix his hair. What the hell is she even thinking doing that? A man who wears their hair like that shouldn't be doing any finger running. It messes up more than it fixes.

Natasha tells herself she can't let him go back to work with it mussed like that. It would be proper. It wouldn't be him, but her fingers linger a bit too long, gently stroking though his hair as she notices...everything. Texture, color, warmth, scent. Things that have always been there but went unnoticed by her until this moment. In her touch there's something more tender, something more than simply...trust. It takes her too long to realize what she's doing. Surely he'll notice before she does.

[capfanboy.livejournal.com]

Phil leans toward Tasha a bit when she reaches out and there's a soft smile on his lips. He knows he should pull away, that this is far too familiar for an agent and her handler. But right now, Phil can't find it in himself to care. He's spent the better part of his life being the stoic secret agent. Keeping everything under wraps. Not exactly the best way to form relationships, but he's been married to his job. Her hand is there only a moment too long before he's reaching up for it, fingers locking loosely around her wrist. He pulls it away, but he doesn't release it. And he's really not certain why.

He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again, not sure what he wants to say. Not sure if there's anything he can say. Instead, he looks at their hands for a moment. They both have blood on their hands, though few people realize it of Coulson. He's not just the mild-mannered man in a suit. One doesn't get to where he is in the SHIELD ranks by sitting in an office doing paperwork. Though God knows, he does enjoy the routine that brings.

"I don't know what's going to happen over the next few days, Tasha. Not even Fury knows. Whatever happens, though..." He stops because he still can't put things into words. So he just gives her a smile. A rare thing for him.

[kick-ass-curls.livejournal.com]

Perhaps that's why her fingers stay where they are. He's not discouraging her from doing it with that smile by any means. She can understand that feeling of having to wear a mask all to well. Natasha has spent so much of her life pretending to be someone else that sometimes she wonders if 'Natasha Romanoff' is even a real person. Surely the Black Widow wouldn't do something as foolhardy as initiating that kind of contact with a man who has such authority over her. Tasha, however, doesn't even notice what she's doing, not until he reaches for her hand and ...damn it.

She nearly jerks away at the feeling of his fingers around her wrist. In that instant Natasha freezes, her entire body tensing as she assumes she's stepped over an invisible line, pushed past a boundary she was never meant to even consider pushing past. Her jaw drops open then clamps shut again. Much like him she has no idea what to say, if anything. She knows very well how dangerous a man he can be. Not the details, of course, but no one gets to be Level Seven without a few casualties. A few splashes of red on a perfect ledger. She watches him as he looks at their hands, staring so intently at the unexpected closeness and the gentle way he's trapped her wrist that she almost doesn't hear him speak.

Natasha looks at him, eyes searching every details of his face as she listens. She can't get a read on him, and normally that would make someone like her very angry to not figure someone out quickly. Phil's exempt from that, though...she's not supposed to have him figured out.

Is she?

No one can see the outcome, they can't even try to make a guess. This is nothing any of them have ever experienced or trained for. They're out of their depths, all of them, right on up to the Director himself.'Whatever happens, though...' The way Phil suddenly stops, the way he smiles only throws her another proverbial curve ball. She doesn't like it. "Whatever happens, though what?" Natasha spits out before she can stop herself.

[capfanboy.livejournal.com]

"Thank you, Tasha. I risked a lot when I brought you in. Fury put it on my head if you didn't work out. You proved that you were worth the risk." Few people really know the relationship between Coulson and the Director. Just how long the two of them have known each other. Fury trusted Coulson's judgement. Even if, to use Fury's words, Coulson made a stupid ass decision.

He finally releases her, knowing that he's crossed an unwritten line. Though he doesn't look like he regrets it. There's a look of calm on his features, different than usual. Something else playing over the surface.

"I know what getting him back means to you. It means something to me too." Phil had given Barton a chance once upon a time. When he was a punk kid no one wanted. Phil almost feels responsible for him. Even if he isn't a kid anymore.

After another moment, he stands and takes a step closer to her. "We're a team."

[kick-ass-curls.livejournal.com]

Why is Phil...babbling like that? Well, not babbling, but he's talking like he's never going to see her again. if Natasha was in her right state of mind she'd be picking up on what he's doing, why he's thanking her, telling her things like how she was worth the risk. But, she's not. Loki's interrogation shook her up so much she's not thinking clearly. It wasn't all an act and when she looks back she'll regret missing completely what Coulson was trying to do then.

When he lets go of her wrist Tasha looks almost disappointed, that sudden closeness, the strength and comfort in it suddenly gone. She looks down at her wrist, absently rubbing at the skin as she listens. Yes, she wants Barton back. He's her partner, he's the man that didn't shoot that arrow into her chest and kill her. But now she knows Phil took just as big of a risk on her. His head. How literal was that bargain? You never can tell with Nick Fury.

Natasha almost, almost takes a step back when he moves closer but that would be, hell it'd be plain weird. Can't have things being weird now can we? She wrinkles her nose when he says they're a team. They're not a team, none of the guys on this helicarrier want to be here. None of them want to work together or even be around each other except...

Oh...

Again she finds it hard to speak, to do anything but try to keep her eyes from darting around the room to avoid looking anywhere but at him. Finally she calms herself enough to look him right in the eyes. "We?"

[capfanboy.livejournal.com]

"I'm still your handler, Tasha. Even with Barton gone, Even with the Avengers Initiative. I don't know how the next few days are going to play out. I don't even know if any of this is going to matter. But for now, SHIELD is all that stands in the way of Loki's plan. I need you to trust me."

What he's planning may change her opinion of him. He knows that. But it's a sacrifice he knows he has to make and he's willing to do it.

Without thinking, he reaches out and pulls her into a tight hug. Holding her close for as long as she'll let him.

[kick-ass-curls.livejournal.com]

"I trust you" She looks him over carefully, studying everything. His posture, his tone of voice, the way he's breathing. The man is everything a professional and gives nothing away about what he's really feeling. Not until...

The hug, or rather the suddenness and strength of it, truly catches her off guard. Natasha freezes, her entire body rigid for a moment until she has time to process this.

What IS this? Phil Coulson, the ultimate example of calm professional detached agent, is hugging her. And she's hugging him back. Natasha twists her arms around him, burying her head against him as though he can somehow make everything that's happened stop happening. He can't. She knows, deep down, under all that authority and skill and, hell, power...he's just a man. That's all any of them are now. They're only human.

Natasha unconsciously rubs her face against him, once again noticing things she never did before. The way he smells, how warm he feels, the way his heart's beating. She should not be noticing things like that. Not now...not...not with him.

"I should go." She mutters softly, not letting go of him at all. "We should both go."

[capfanboy.livejournal.com]

Phil hasn't slept much in the past few hours. He's been replaying the scene of the base collapsing over and over in his mind. It was in that moment that he knew they had gotten themselves in deep and there was no going back. They were fighting a battle they would be lucky to win.

His hold on her tightens, even as she says they should go. He doesn't want to let go. Not before...Before what? He's not sure. He hasn't been certain of anything since the night Loki showed up.

He takes a deep breath and pulls back far enough to look at her. "Natasha..." Phil's always been a man of few words. Actions came easier to him. So instead of saying anything else, he closes the distance between them again, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. Many would consider it a foolish act, but Phil doesn't consider himself to be much of a fool.

[kick-ass-curls.livejournal.com]

Her entire body tenses when she feels him hold her tighter. Natasha has no idea what's happening, but she doesn't fight him. She doesn't want to fight him. She's just as confused, afraid and uncertain of everything as he is. Nothing will ever be the same after what Loki did and doubtlessly will do. Who they are, who they'll all need to become to fight this, no one knows. Everything is changing so fast.

Except him. Tasha can't help but think Phil's the only person who hasn't done something that completely caught her off guard or shocked her in all this mess.

Until....

Natasha freezes even more (if that's possible) the moment his lips hit hers, but it only takes a second before she feels like she's more relaxed than she can remember feeling in a very long time. Something about that familiarity, the comfort and safety of him being...him nearly knocks her off her feet. She kisses him back, pressing her lips and her body hard against him as though she feels she has some right to do it. It only lasts for a few moments before her mind starts screaming at her. Tasha jerks her head away, eyes darting wildly around his face until she locks her eyes on his. "I..." She stumbles and stutters, her breathing like she's been running for her life and finally stopped. "Uh..." She has no idea what just happened. He kissed her. Phil Coulson fucking kissed her and...

God damn, it felt so good she forgot how to talk.